It's been really crazy these past few weeks. All I can think of is, I want to shift out. Okay maybe not shift out, but I want to move to Hougang or Kovan.

Hougang was my childhood home where I stayed for the first three years of my life. And after that, I shifted to where I currently live. Until I was 15 or so though, I used to regularly visit my grandmother who lived in Hougang. After she passed on, I no longer went there.

A few years later though, I met up with a dear friend of mine who lived in Hougang and we went to explore Hougang because I missed the place dearly. I don't know, but there is something so... Nostalgic about that place. Or maybe the place reminded me of times when I used to visit my grandmother.

Tampines used to take the top priority of places I would love to live in the future. However, it no longer does. Lately, due to some circumstances, I wish to get out of Tampines. Although technically, I am not living in Tampines. But the lesser I spend in Tampines, the happier I am. It feels like I'm finally coming out of my comfort zone, my shell.

To be honest, I would really like to say I'm content now.

After giving up, I felt way much better. It wasn't easy, and it took a whole lot of courage... To move on, to take the next step. However, it was a truly good experience that I took part in, and I do not regret any thing that had occurred during those times. True though, that sometimes when I reminisce about those long and dull periods, I will wonder why did I even make those mistakes? But mistakes are definitely part of the crossroads of life and they will be memories that I cherish forever.

But at the same time though, I'm really reluctant to say that I'm content. About a year ago, I blogged how I was content and nothing could shake me. And then about a week later, I fell. It was actually pretty scary and shocking how easy it was. Tempted by the little things. Things that may seem insignificant in others, mattered. Having never gone through those feelings that was invoked, I was constantly touched. It was brand new, a fresh start.

Now, it is a fresh slate. If I choose to think about it, I will only get disappointed. I wish you all the best, and I promise that I will forgive myself one day. Because when I saw, like last week, there was anger in me, I admitted. After that, it became anger at myself. For being so trusting. For just trying out my luck. For allowing myself that one last time. That one last chance.

But, I digress.

I really hope, and I really pray, that this contentment will last. And that's all that I could ever ask for.

Desolation (n):
1. a state of complete emptiness or destruction.
2. great unhappiness or loneliness.

Is it the enemy? Is it the evil one taking control? Am I listening to what the world is telling me to do instead of following what God's will is? When did I even allow myself to fall into this state... Whatever it is called?

So many questions. No answers.

Lately, it seems everything is passing in a blur, and in annoying me to no end. I lost the joy, there's a constant burden upon my shoulders. I tell, I rant, I complain. To me, it's not something that I can have the strength to hold onto. And yet when I confess, it seems so minor.

Just like how everything currently is.

I'm like a spiral, one that goes deeper and deeper into the abyss of nothingness. And yet, I surge on. I don't know what is my purpose, I don't know if this is even the correct path that I'm walking. I don't even know where does the path that I am currently walking lead to.

You... and the rest.

I wish you would stop. Can't you just respect my decision this once? Being, I can't fathom why. Making the decision, confuses me. Saying, I feel like I'm living a lie. Stop making me do things that I don't want to do! And yet, it gets repeated constantly..., just by different people.

You.

I don't know what changed. That is all I have to say. You will find me the same, I'd like to hope.