Just some thoughts.

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1 John 3:18-20

18 Little children, let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth. †
19 By this we shall know that we are of the truth, and reassure our hearts before him
20 whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Archbishop's reflection on 5Jan17:
"The day we recognize each other for who we are, that we are sons and daughters of God in Christ, then we can say that we have seen God.   People who are loving to others and at peace with themselves tend to see goodness in others.  People who are wounded like Nathanael, are often skeptical and suspicious."

Note: This is a late post.

Recently, I went out with a few friends. It had been some time since we last met and thus, we were just chatting to each other about our lives thus far. As the conversation wore on, it got to the point that I started to tune out a little because it seemed that no matter what I inputted into the conversation, it was quickly brushed off.

Which then brings me to this topic at hand today.

As I read the Mass readings and Archbishop's reflection for 5 January 2017, I was kept wondering about how we have let our lives be filled with complaints and nonstop groanings of how our lives had been or how we had let others affect us in some ways. I'll be the first to admit that yes, some regrets of the past had stuck with me for quite a while, and it took me ages before I could even forgive myself, even though the party that I had hurt could have already forgiven me.
There are always so many accounts and real life testimonies on the net that if we just choose to focus on the positive, our life will turn out better. I confess that yes, I do adhere to this. Speaking from past experience, I used to be utterly pessimistic, because it was easier to not expect and thus, to not be disappointed by the things of this world. That all changed though, the moment I stepped into Church and know about God. This is not going to be a religious post, but sometimes, it just frustrates me when people go on and on about their troubles and worries... But they do not want to even come out of their comfort zone!

My boss once sent me a story called Who Moved My Cheese? I thought it would be something really stupid, but it actually changed me and as I reflected on it after, it makes me wonder as to which of the characters I was. Would I be Hem mixed with Haw? It was an interesting read, and one that I would definitely recommend to the masses, especially those who had not read about it.

The thing is, sometimes people are just stubborn and do not want to go out to the unknown. However, if we choose to always stay where we are currently at, what is the point, then? What is our purpose in life? We were put on this planet for a purpose and a mission. I am still finding my mission, but in a way too, I am exploring new opportunities. I love to be able to learn, to just widen my knowledge a little, and that for me, would be to really be able to step out, to take that courage to just plunge. After all, if not now, then when?

Coming back to the reflection at the top of this long and draggy post, I first thought of posting something because the main thing is that people often say that I'm "nice". I was just thinking about it the other day, and tweeted the following:

"Often, people say I'm too "nice". However, I'm not trying to be "nice". I'm just trying to see it from the other party's perspective... And to see it from how God would see the situation. I'm merely an instrument of His, and if one is to judge, let it be God, not me".

It is still sometimes difficult for me to not judge, especially when I am unhappy with the situation, or upset with the person on hand. Nevertheless, I am trying my best. For again, "people who are loving to others and at peace with themselves tend to see goodness in others".

It's been really crazy these past few weeks. All I can think of is, I want to shift out. Okay maybe not shift out, but I want to move to Hougang or Kovan.

Hougang was my childhood home where I stayed for the first three years of my life. And after that, I shifted to where I currently live. Until I was 15 or so though, I used to regularly visit my grandmother who lived in Hougang. After she passed on, I no longer went there.

A few years later though, I met up with a dear friend of mine who lived in Hougang and we went to explore Hougang because I missed the place dearly. I don't know, but there is something so... Nostalgic about that place. Or maybe the place reminded me of times when I used to visit my grandmother.

Tampines used to take the top priority of places I would love to live in the future. However, it no longer does. Lately, due to some circumstances, I wish to get out of Tampines. Although technically, I am not living in Tampines. But the lesser I spend in Tampines, the happier I am. It feels like I'm finally coming out of my comfort zone, my shell.

To be honest, I would really like to say I'm content now.

After giving up, I felt way much better. It wasn't easy, and it took a whole lot of courage... To move on, to take the next step. However, it was a truly good experience that I took part in, and I do not regret any thing that had occurred during those times. True though, that sometimes when I reminisce about those long and dull periods, I will wonder why did I even make those mistakes? But mistakes are definitely part of the crossroads of life and they will be memories that I cherish forever.

But at the same time though, I'm really reluctant to say that I'm content. About a year ago, I blogged how I was content and nothing could shake me. And then about a week later, I fell. It was actually pretty scary and shocking how easy it was. Tempted by the little things. Things that may seem insignificant in others, mattered. Having never gone through those feelings that was invoked, I was constantly touched. It was brand new, a fresh start.

Now, it is a fresh slate. If I choose to think about it, I will only get disappointed. I wish you all the best, and I promise that I will forgive myself one day. Because when I saw, like last week, there was anger in me, I admitted. After that, it became anger at myself. For being so trusting. For just trying out my luck. For allowing myself that one last time. That one last chance.

But, I digress.

I really hope, and I really pray, that this contentment will last. And that's all that I could ever ask for.

Desolation (n):
1. a state of complete emptiness or destruction.
2. great unhappiness or loneliness.

Is it the enemy? Is it the evil one taking control? Am I listening to what the world is telling me to do instead of following what God's will is? When did I even allow myself to fall into this state... Whatever it is called?

So many questions. No answers.

Lately, it seems everything is passing in a blur, and in annoying me to no end. I lost the joy, there's a constant burden upon my shoulders. I tell, I rant, I complain. To me, it's not something that I can have the strength to hold onto. And yet when I confess, it seems so minor.

Just like how everything currently is.

I'm like a spiral, one that goes deeper and deeper into the abyss of nothingness. And yet, I surge on. I don't know what is my purpose, I don't know if this is even the correct path that I'm walking. I don't even know where does the path that I am currently walking lead to.

You... and the rest.

I wish you would stop. Can't you just respect my decision this once? Being, I can't fathom why. Making the decision, confuses me. Saying, I feel like I'm living a lie. Stop making me do things that I don't want to do! And yet, it gets repeated constantly..., just by different people.

You.

I don't know what changed. That is all I have to say. You will find me the same, I'd like to hope.

It's the little things that matter most.

I don't, no more. And yet, my heart still beats a little faster, my breaths comes out a little more hurried. Of simple conversations; an invitation, if you like. And the smile that threatens to turn up my face, I sigh.

So, I've been very into a variety of videos lately. Mainly:
1) Beauty videos
2) What's in my bag / what's on my desk videos
3) Routine / Day in my life videos

And the most recent...

4) What's in my planner videos.

Basically, organization. There is just something about seeing cute stationeries, pretty planners and the OCD in me coming out that all blends together.

Therefore, to get it kicked out of my system, I am gonna use this blog post to let the world know What's In My Bag, with no pictures whatsoever.

What's In My Bag

Here, I am talking about my weekend bag, and not the one which I carry to work. Although maybe I can do a separate blog post on that as well... Hm.

I am currently using this bag pack which I got very recently from my Seoul trip back in late May 2015. I love it for it is in the shade of a light brown, and it has a unique design. It has one main zip, and to open up the bag, you have to unclasp the belt from the bag. There is also a zipped pocket inside the bag to keep miniscule items, as well as a small zip on the outer of the bag, where the back lies. It is a very unique design, and I love it to bits.

I was very stoked to get this bag pack, because the main reason is that it only costs me 10,000KRW, which is below SGD12? Not only that, the whole shop sells their bags at 10,000KRW, and it ranges from bagpacks, handbags to crossbody bags, all in different sizes. The last time I had been here was in 2012 or so, and I got myself a bagpack as well :) Unfortunately, I do not have the address for it. I only know that it is called Stylish T-ONE (had to do some googling for that!), located at Ewha Woman's University shopping street. I admit, when I was searching for Stylish T-ONE in my recent trip, I saw one or two stores selling bags at 10,000KRW as well. But I trust Stylish T-ONE, and their bags are durable too!

Anyway, on with the contents inside the bag (which are always inside)!

- 3 tissue packs
- Mints (You never know when you need them!)
- 2 lip balms and 2 lip sticks
- Emergency pouch (Scrunchies, plasters, bobby pins, hair clip, mirror, nail clipper, Axe Brand medicated oil)
- My planner (/scheduler, whatever you want to call it! I am currently using the one from Muji, which I absolutely love. I had been searching for one with a monthly and weekly kind, and the moment I saw Muji's, I knew I had to get it.)
- A book
- Umbrella
- Wallet

So that's all :) Simplicity is the best, I always say.

The empty feeling. Like something is missing. A piece gone. I fill it with Jesus, and it helps but the thought still remains. They say I am different, but the sad feeling is evident. Perhaps due to the end, or was it just a start? Regrets will be later, along with foolishness. As of now, the disappointment stays.

But I know it is the same as the previous, and there was no regrets then. I do not know anymore.