To be honest, I would really like to say I'm content now.

After giving up, I felt way much better. It wasn't easy, and it took a whole lot of courage... To move on, to take the next step. However, it was a truly good experience that I took part in, and I do not regret any thing that had occurred during those times. True though, that sometimes when I reminisce about those long and dull periods, I will wonder why did I even make those mistakes? But mistakes are definitely part of the crossroads of life and they will be memories that I cherish forever.

But at the same time though, I'm really reluctant to say that I'm content. About a year ago, I blogged how I was content and nothing could shake me. And then about a week later, I fell. It was actually pretty scary and shocking how easy it was. Tempted by the little things. Things that may seem insignificant in others, mattered. Having never gone through those feelings that was invoked, I was constantly touched. It was brand new, a fresh start.

Now, it is a fresh slate. If I choose to think about it, I will only get disappointed. I wish you all the best, and I promise that I will forgive myself one day. Because when I saw, like last week, there was anger in me, I admitted. After that, it became anger at myself. For being so trusting. For just trying out my luck. For allowing myself that one last time. That one last chance.

But, I digress.

I really hope, and I really pray, that this contentment will last. And that's all that I could ever ask for.

Desolation (n):
1. a state of complete emptiness or destruction.
2. great unhappiness or loneliness.

Is it the enemy? Is it the evil one taking control? Am I listening to what the world is telling me to do instead of following what God's will is? When did I even allow myself to fall into this state... Whatever it is called?

So many questions. No answers.

Lately, it seems everything is passing in a blur, and in annoying me to no end. I lost the joy, there's a constant burden upon my shoulders. I tell, I rant, I complain. To me, it's not something that I can have the strength to hold onto. And yet when I confess, it seems so minor.

Just like how everything currently is.

I'm like a spiral, one that goes deeper and deeper into the abyss of nothingness. And yet, I surge on. I don't know what is my purpose, I don't know if this is even the correct path that I'm walking. I don't even know where does the path that I am currently walking lead to.

You... and the rest.

I wish you would stop. Can't you just respect my decision this once? Being, I can't fathom why. Making the decision, confuses me. Saying, I feel like I'm living a lie. Stop making me do things that I don't want to do! And yet, it gets repeated constantly..., just by different people.

You.

I don't know what changed. That is all I have to say. You will find me the same, I'd like to hope.

It's the little things that matter most.

I don't, no more. And yet, my heart still beats a little faster, my breaths comes out a little more hurried. Of simple conversations; an invitation, if you like. And the smile that threatens to turn up my face, I sigh.

So, I've been very into a variety of videos lately. Mainly:
1) Beauty videos
2) What's in my bag / what's on my desk videos
3) Routine / Day in my life videos

And the most recent...

4) What's in my planner videos.

Basically, organization. There is just something about seeing cute stationeries, pretty planners and the OCD in me coming out that all blends together.

Therefore, to get it kicked out of my system, I am gonna use this blog post to let the world know What's In My Bag, with no pictures whatsoever.

What's In My Bag

Here, I am talking about my weekend bag, and not the one which I carry to work. Although maybe I can do a separate blog post on that as well... Hm.

I am currently using this bag pack which I got very recently from my Seoul trip back in late May 2015. I love it for it is in the shade of a light brown, and it has a unique design. It has one main zip, and to open up the bag, you have to unclasp the belt from the bag. There is also a zipped pocket inside the bag to keep miniscule items, as well as a small zip on the outer of the bag, where the back lies. It is a very unique design, and I love it to bits.

I was very stoked to get this bag pack, because the main reason is that it only costs me 10,000KRW, which is below SGD12? Not only that, the whole shop sells their bags at 10,000KRW, and it ranges from bagpacks, handbags to crossbody bags, all in different sizes. The last time I had been here was in 2012 or so, and I got myself a bagpack as well :) Unfortunately, I do not have the address for it. I only know that it is called Stylish T-ONE (had to do some googling for that!), located at Ewha Woman's University shopping street. I admit, when I was searching for Stylish T-ONE in my recent trip, I saw one or two stores selling bags at 10,000KRW as well. But I trust Stylish T-ONE, and their bags are durable too!

Anyway, on with the contents inside the bag (which are always inside)!

- 3 tissue packs
- Mints (You never know when you need them!)
- 2 lip balms and 2 lip sticks
- Emergency pouch (Scrunchies, plasters, bobby pins, hair clip, mirror, nail clipper, Axe Brand medicated oil)
- My planner (/scheduler, whatever you want to call it! I am currently using the one from Muji, which I absolutely love. I had been searching for one with a monthly and weekly kind, and the moment I saw Muji's, I knew I had to get it.)
- A book
- Umbrella
- Wallet

So that's all :) Simplicity is the best, I always say.

The empty feeling. Like something is missing. A piece gone. I fill it with Jesus, and it helps but the thought still remains. They say I am different, but the sad feeling is evident. Perhaps due to the end, or was it just a start? Regrets will be later, along with foolishness. As of now, the disappointment stays.

But I know it is the same as the previous, and there was no regrets then. I do not know anymore.

An acquaintance of sorts.

An acquaintance, previously. Now, a friend, perhaps?

Barely a look, a smile was rare. A playful abusing.

This time; tight, warm hugs were shared. The difference is obvious. Why, I do not know. A wink, a laugh, looks, random talks.

Sometimes, I wonder. But, I know it will never be. Running, and it is gone again. And the empty feeling, stays there and will always be.

But... I am content.

Lately, these few days, on top of my usual prayers, I have been praying for contentment. I do not need to be happy, I do not need to be satisfied. I just want to be content. Content with the things that the Lord has blessed me with, content with what I have.

Life is short, I do not know when my time will be up, it could be as quick as the next word that I type, it could be far away from now. I do not want to bug down my life, being materialistic, being a pessimist. Not that I will ever be an optimist, hah!

True, sometimes I do feel lonely when I see couples. But then I remember what the Lord has done for me, and I remember what a dear friend once told me before. And so, I am content with loneliness.

I do not mind being alone... For now.

For I am content :)

Typed: 03/03/2015 19:52PM